(Re)Arrange However You May Please

“(Re)Arrange However You May Please” is a piece regarding my own ownership of my body. Throughout my experience living as a transgender teenager, I have often felt controlled by various outside forces. I find there is always something to be said about my appearance, gender identity, sexuality, or validity. The title and quote can be seen as not only a direction to the audience, but also to myself as I grow older. I show my confrontation with bodily-autonomy as I move into adulthood.

Maia Derrevere ‘24

Sorry

You’ve spent four hours on me so far, and I’m still ugly.

I heard you, mother, your plans.

My body hummed as you softly explained how you’d take me in your arms and mold me like clay.

How my first sight of color would be your chipped blue nail polish flashing by my eyes

as you stroke your fingers to form “a perfect nose.”

You feel bad, you say, when you see adults with flat heads, their mothers didn’t hold them enough.

Do you think the dirt will do as good a job as you, mother?

Will you create a crater for my neck as a symbol of the care you would’ve given me if I weren’t broken?

Will you love me when maggots and rainwater make me uglier than I already am?

I warn you: my brother’s face will be ugly, too.

Squished eyes crinkled enough for you to expect a tissue paper sound

and pursed lips modeled after angry old men who hate God.

But, you’ll hold him anyways, ugly and alive, and thank him for being what I’ll never be:

yours.

On your ninth hour, you’ll see me

and you’ll smile? It’s the first thing I’ll never see.

My cold frame, dripping with your insides, will meet warmth,

and If I could feel, I would imagine feeling clean of all pain.

I’ll lose my shelter as I lose your touch.

Soon, I’ll be traveling down sterile hallways in an acrylic box

a memory to you, and a son to no one.

I only hope the tree roots will hold me like you would.

Jasmine Mullings ‘24

This piece is the product of the inspiration that came from a writing prompt given to my creative writing class by successful poet and author Patricia Smith. Our teacher, Ms. Rigdon, invited her to work with us recently. I most admire Patricia's personal approach to writing and interpretting written work. This poem was based on the scenario of a mother pregnant with twins and having to carry both to term, even though one of them had died prematurely. I wanted to write from the perspective of the baby who died to try to explain the guilt and sadness there.